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miszt
«eS][Forum Moderator»
![«eS][Forum Moderator»](/modules/Forums/images/ranks/mod.gif "«eS][Forum Moderator»")
Joined: Sep 09, 2004
Posts: 774
Location: Somewhere in Space (usually)
Status: Offline
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 Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:48 pm Post subject: Jokes  |
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Hey all, thought i would start a joke thread... 
I was having a pretty bad day yesterday, as you all know i quit smoking 2 weeks ago, and well this cheered me up ...
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock
your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not
be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your
favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,
carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal
thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now,
close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS. |
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one of Gods own prototypes, a high powered mutant of some kind, never even considered for mass production. To weird to live, and to rare to die. |
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raTTy
«eS][Honorary Member»
![«eS][Honorary Member»](/modules/Forums/images/ranks/rank6.jpg "«eS][Honorary Member»")
Joined: Aug 02, 2004
Posts: 129
Location: Vienna
Status: Offline
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| Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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| loooool |
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(._.´¯`.» Ratty alias DerHoheRat alias TheDarkblueevil «.´¯`._.) |
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LombudXa
«eS][Clan Leader»
![«eS][Clan Leader»](/modules/Forums/images/ranks/leader.jpg "«eS][Clan Leader»")
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: 2583
Location: omnipresent
Status: Offline
Clan: «eS][Clan»
Nick: «eS][LombudXa»
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| Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Hahaha, funny one |
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miszt
Joined: Sep 09, 2004
Posts: 774
Location: Somewhere in Space (usually)
Status: Offline
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| Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:00 pm Post subject: Very Sexist against Us Blokez, but Funny Anywayz lol |
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RULES OF MANHOOD
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless
atthe footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period
only it is permissible.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally
killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not
the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event,
you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside
or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: ie. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story. |
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miszt
Joined: Sep 09, 2004
Posts: 774
Location: Somewhere in Space (usually)
Status: Offline
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| Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:03 pm Post subject: |
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| actually its pretty sexist against women aswell lol |
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LombudXa
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: 2583
Location: omnipresent
Status: Offline
Clan: «eS][Clan»
Nick: «eS][LombudXa»
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| Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 10:22 am Post subject: |
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Heh, there are a few funny ones, and yes, it's a bit sexist  |
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FMC
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 07, 2004
Posts: 612
Location: Germany
Status: Offline
Clan: «eS][Clan»
Nick: «eS][FMC»
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| Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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I hope this is new for you 
- Hello, are you there?
- Yes, who are you please?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you Jones?
- No I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name is Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott.
- What? |
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Beyonder
Member
Joined: Oct 21, 2004
Posts: 172
Location: Netherlands
Status: Offline
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| Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 10:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Lol FMC. |
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ScorpioProX
«eS][Clan Member»
![«eS][Clan Member»](modules/Forums/images/ranks/member.jpg "«eS][Clan Member»")
Joined: Aug 21, 2004
Posts: 955
Location: Within darkness you will find me.
Status: Offline
Clan: «evolved Systems»
Nick: «eS][ScorpioPro»
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| Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 10:50 am Post subject: |
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The tech support problem dates back to long before the
industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm
on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog.
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh.
You hit them together?
Ugh.
What happen?
Fire not work.
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing.
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not
burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make
fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM* |
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Safety, the feeling you have before you realized I'm there too.  |
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ScorpioProX
Joined: Aug 21, 2004
Posts: 955
Location: Within darkness you will find me.
Status: Offline
Clan: «evolved Systems»
Nick: «eS][ScorpioPro»
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| Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 11:03 am Post subject: |
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| Just take a look its great! |
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miszt
Joined: Sep 09, 2004
Posts: 774
Location: Somewhere in Space (usually)
Status: Offline
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| Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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lol  |
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FMC
Joined: Oct 07, 2004
Posts: 612
Location: Germany
Status: Offline
Clan: «eS][Clan»
Nick: «eS][FMC»
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| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, no jokes for a month...
I hope is new for you |
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ScorpioProX
Joined: Aug 21, 2004
Posts: 955
Location: Within darkness you will find me.
Status: Offline
Clan: «evolved Systems»
Nick: «eS][ScorpioPro»
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| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Whahahhahahahhahahahaha LOL well new for me cool I want a ring 2!! |
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LombudXa
Joined: Jul 07, 2004
Posts: 2583
Location: omnipresent
Status: Offline
Clan: «eS][Clan»
Nick: «eS][LombudXa»
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| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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miszt
Joined: Sep 09, 2004
Posts: 774
Location: Somewhere in Space (usually)
Status: Offline
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| Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 1:04 am Post subject: |
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hehe nice one 
Dont want a ring aswell.....wouldnt mind a bit of Sarah tho 
I'll post the Suaron Diaries when I find them again hehe unless you can find them easier Lom, I think I mailed them to ya a while ago...?
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